Lyrics – A Whale’s Tale

ALL U CAN EAT

Don’t need a plate, you can skip the fork
Just give me a shovel and three pounds of pork
I don’t wanna get no grief
Just mashed potatoes and a side of beef

ALL YOU CAN EAT! ALL YOU CAN EAT!
I can’t even see my feet
ALL YOU CAN EAT! ALL YOU CAN EAT!
The price of this food just can’t be beat

Don’t bother me, I’m not on a break
Just trying to get through this Salisbury Steak
And stay away from me with that healthy apple
I’d rather drown myself in this trough of scrapple

I don’t care if it’s turning green
As long as it glistens with an oily sheen
PORK PIE PUDDING KRAUT WATERMELON STEW
I ate so much I’m gonna split in two

The price of this shit just can’t be beat!

THE WELL WISHER

Honesty has lost its luster
Saying sorry won’t cut the muster
This ain’t no playground game
Being forced to take the blame for what you did
And what you’re bound to do

Saying sorry a thousand times
Won’t get you what you left behind
A job, a wife, or a better life
You’ll never get it back again
The things you had you never can
Threw that away, and you said good day

So now you got what you wanted
And now you’re getting what you deserve
You try to back step, cause you ain’t got the nerve
To say you fucked up
So I say good luck, good luck with all of that

On your knees as you beg and plead
Forgiveness for your dirty deeds
They were done, dirt cheap
So you can’t sleep

And your soul is deep in debt
With all the things you now regret
The greed, the lust
It’s all gone bust

THIS ENDS IN A HAIL OF BULLETS

Five in the evening another California night
People headed home, putting work out of their sight
But there’s trouble in the rearview and it’s moving really fast
Looks like danger on the freeway will be on tonight’s newscast

Now you’re running for your life
Cause they’re coming for your life
So you’re running, but you can’t win
When they’re coming for your sins

Crash and burn as choppers fly overhead
Cars strewn on the interstate, let’s hope that no one’s dead
All cause some maniac broke out from the law
Got caught with a stash of heroin and decided to take off

Who’s to say that you’ll ever get away
From the drugs, guns, and violence that you live with everyday
90 behind the wheel, with the cops biting at your heels
Doing 10 to 20 wasn’t part of this deal

Leap from the wreckage, sprinting when you hit the ground
Sweat in your face, your heart continues to pound
You can run, you can jump, you can fight, you can hide
But it ends in a hail of bullets and you’re on the losing side

UNDERTOW

YO ! HO ! HO ! We’ve been out at sea
It’s been 5 years, maybe more
Just me and the boys, lookin’ for that whale
It’s time for us to settle the score

We work all day, from sun-up till it’s dark
Riggin’ lines and hangin’ with the crew
Drinkin’ rum and playing cards
But the one thing that I don’t have is you

Maybe tomorrow, we’ll go back home
Maybe our journey will end
Maybe tomorrow, we’ll turn around
Maybe I’ll see you again

It’s been 5 years since I saw you last
The memories are all that remain
Day after day on this wide open sea
And I can’t wait to go back home

Well we caught a lot of fish, and we saved a lot of ships
We’ve been to every port and town
But still no word since I saw you last
This anchor is dragging me down

It was 7 years ago, the night was dark and cold
When the great whale destroyed our craft
The USS Ambergris held fast through the night
But in the end it was no match

The ship fell apart, and the skipper lost his heart
And shouted “every man for himself!”
And we all swam to shore and watched an hour more
As that beast took our boat down to hell

NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU

Well here she comes again
That stuck up little bitch
Acting like the cat’s meow
But there’s one little hitch

You think you can get any guy you want
You think you can act
Like a stuck up little cunt

Well I’m fed up and I’m not afraid
To say what I’m thinking anyway
So listen up baby and try to see
That I don’t care what you think of me cause

No one… No one cares about you
We all see right through your lies and bullshit
what makes you think you can act like this?
No one… No one cares about you

Well no one’s being fooled by your evil ways
And everyone’s sick and tired
Of your prissy little face
You think you can buy anything you want
By flashing a smile and money
But I’ve got to be blunt

I’m sick and tired of watching you
Walk around like you’re the queen of town
So listen up honey you gotta see
That I don’t care what you think of me

Well maybe there will come a day
When I’ll think of something better to say
And maybe there will come a time
When I’ll think of something better to rhyme
But until that day you’ve gone too far
And I’ll kick your ass out of my car

WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND NOTHING AT ALL

Forget the roses, no fancy cards
Not getting a nice dinner or candy hearts, no-oh
No hundred dollar meal, won’t be no wine
Cause I’m no friend of St. Valentine, no-oh

No holidays for me this year
No parties, for you my dear
No diamonds, kisses, or cashmere this year

Santa’s not coming down the chimney
So there won’t be presents under the tree no-oh
Holiday jewelers tell me what to buy
But I tell them “fuck off and die”, yo-oh

Why plan your birthday months ahead
When it’s just another day that you’re not dead, no-oh
Cake and balloons and silly hats
No you’re not getting any of that, no-oh

So not worth it

ONE MORE SONG

I’m not here to preach ideals
I don’t want to push my views
Just want us to get together
And share a tune or two
Nobody’s pointing fingers
And saying who’s to blame
No need for glory seekers
Or gunning for the fame

One more for the broken heroes
(we’ll sing along)
One more for us worthless zeroes
(we’ll sing along)
Just one to sound the revelry
Just a little dedication for you and me

All we want is to stand as one
Sing along and have some fun
And I know we can’t go wrong
With another nothing answer song
Something for the young and old
For the meek and for the bold
A little ditty to fill the time
For no reason and no rhyme

And if we don’t seem to get a point across
We won’t chalk it up as a failure or a loss
If we do enough to really light up this place
Mission accomplished if we put a smile on your face

LIFE

Have you ever looked around and suddenly found
You were the old guy at the show?
Everyone gives a stare, like you shouldn’t be there
Like a circus freak sideshow

Maybe you’re losing hair, but who are they to care
This is where you’ll always want to be
Cause there’ll come a time, when they’ll find
That they’re just like you and me

Kids of today, say I’m getting frayed
Say I’m getting old and it’s time to go
But I won’t sit back wasting my time away

You gotta live each day to the fullest
Cause it just might be your last
Cherish all the good times
Cause they go by way too fast
Raise a glass to our good friends
And the loved ones who have passed
And live each day to the fullest
Because it just might be your last

Some will stay and others will go
But for us, we’ll still be here
Stay with our fiends, until the end
And with that you can have no fear

So who cares that they say, that you’re turning gray
This is where you’ll always want to be
Time’s too short to throw away what we call
Our tight knit family

IGNORANCE IS

Got a problem on planet Earth
It’s falling apart and getting worse
While terror wins, Bush just grins
Seems like the world has gone perverse

As we watch gas prices soar
And everyone goes off to war
Missiles fly, civilians die
Pray it don’t reach our front door

Back here in our hometown
Everyday life’s been watered down
By crappy bands and TV land
Seems mind-fucked by a bunch of suited clowns

It looks like everything has gone to hell
But we just turn our heads and say oh well
We’ll close our eyes and just go numb
Live for today and pray tomorrow never comes

Now rub the sleep dust from your sight
See through the wrong and do what’s right
Find the time to speak your mind
Time for the blind to see the light

So now will you have a heart
And give the world a new kickstart?
Will you give to let Earth live
Or will you watch it fall apart?

GET OFF MY LAWN YOU GODDAMN KIDS!!

Every day when the sun comes out
I get out of bed and I curse and shout
Go outside and check my grass
If I see you there, I’ll kick your ass

Water, trim and fertilize
Gotta keep it green or else it dies
Poison all the rabbits and mice
I don’t care if you don’t think I’m nice

HEY! GET OFF MY LAWN!
YOU GODDAMN KIDS!

Well I’m too old to have any fun
So I waste my time here in the sun
I mow and I weed and I mow some more
Won’t be done till my back is sore

DIE SKELETOR, DIE!

Hey Ann, I saw you on the TV yesterday
I couldn’t believe just how much nonsense you had to say
Telling the nation about how heartbroke women felt
Saying how they reveled in the cruel hand they were dealt

You’re so smart and oh so brave
But now you’ve got one in the grave
And when you slip and take that fall
I won’t be at your funeral

Then I glance over at George Carlin sitting in the next seat
Biting his lip at your unabashed conceit
How Jay put up with the madness I will never know
5 seconds of that crap and I’d be kicking you out the door

HELL NO, no one will go
YOU’LL SEE, no friends will show
Go ahead, be a know-it-all, but realize it’s your funeral

Now you’ve got your book on the best seller’s list
How can anyone read that shit without needing an exorcist?
You want the world to know that you’re a mega hit
But when I look at you I see fifty pounds of shit

DIE SKELETOR, DIE!

Fuck you, Ann Coulter

K.O.T.L.V.

LONG LIVE THE K-O-T-L-V!

THE FOX

I ain’t lookin’ for love
I ain’t lookin’ for a beauty queen
I ain’t lookin’ to settle down
Baby, you got what I need
So hot in that little skirt
High-heeled shoes, you’re such a flirt
Survey says you’re number 1
In my book so let’s have some fun

Don’t matter if you’re good or bad
Don’t really care if your boyfriend’s mad
I saw you over there lookin’ my way
Listen up honey I just gotta say
See I don’t care if you never call
It wouldn’t bother me, no not at all
You’re the best that I never had
I’m a fox and I need it bad

THE FOX IS ON YOUR TRAIL
THE FOX IS CHASING TAIL!

RAID THE VAULT

I’m so bored, don’t know what to do
Just sit around here just thinking of you
Anxiety’s got a hold of me
There’s nothing inside that I can see

Things aren’t always what they seem
And you can’t always find your dream
Speaking of dreams I gotta say
Didn’t we write this yesterday?

When you’ve bled the well dry tell me
What the hell we supposed to do?
Go back to 2002!

Raid, raid the vault
Play all the songs you wanna hear
Raid, raid the vault
Same old shit we did last year
Raid, raid the vault
Play all the songs you’ve heard before
Raid, raid the vault
One more tune then we’re out the door

Always forcing your views on me, but I don’t care what you believe
The falling snow, my failing mind, I keep running but I’m left behind
Now we’ve gone our separate ways, our sun has turned to a haze
Wait a minute, hold the phone… we did that fifteen years ago!

Cause when writer’s block is just about to drive you mad…
Hey, “Dinner Music” wasn’t so bad.
I can’t come up with one original note…
Let’s play something that Puppet wrote!

ZAWODNY’S LAW

DON’T FUCK WITH SIMPLE!


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