So you want to be an Ambergris roadie? Great! We are always looking for good help. If you are good with the rules below, get in touch and we will talk more.
- Never look anybody directly in the eyes.
- Always refer to band members as “sir”.
- Whenever handling band equipment roadie will wear surgical gloves.
- Roadie will mop the sweat off our brows during practice AND shows.
- When roadie sees a beer bottle less than 1/4 full, roadie had better have another one on deck, with the top off.
- Truman doesn’t drink, but he loves his red bull, so same as #5, except substiute “red bull” for “beer”.
- Roadie will agressively push merch, to the point that if roadie sells nothing, roadie’s ass is walking home.
- We expect pro video, photography, and audio recording of our shows. If the pics taken by roadie don’t look like they belong in Rolling Stone, roadie’s ass is walking home. And when someone is doing a guitar solo, we expect closeups of their crotch.
- Never, ever, under any circumstance, touch anyone.
- Not only must you carry equipment,you must also carry band members who are too drunk to walk themselves.
- You will be showered and shaved whenever in our presence, with your shirt tucked in your pants, and your pants will fit, none of that hip hop shit.
- You will announce all our shows with “You wanted the best, you got the best – the hottest band in the world ….”
- Never go near our kids or pets.
- Your posts in the LVPR will be monitored for stupidity.
- Any free merch from other bands obtained during working hours must be turned over to the band.
- If the band is allowed a limited number of guests to get in free, all girlfriends, spouses, spouses’ girlfriends, siblings, friends and co-workers will be considered first. If there are any guest spots left over, then you may get in free. Otherwise your ass is either paying or walking home.
- In the event the band is NOT limited to a prearranged number of free passes, roadie will only get in for free provided the band’s pay for the evening is NOT dependent on number of paying customers.
- All food in the house is off-limits.
- Bathrooms are off-limits too. There is a pay toilet about half mile down the road at the Weis.
- You will be available on weekends and evenings to help move heavy household items, like say, waterheaters.
- Roadie, realizing that a band is only as good as its transportation, will perform regularly scheduled maintenance on all band vehicles. Roadie will also be providing “Roadside Assistance” in case band transportation ever breaks, even on non-band business. In the case of “no room left” in the roadside assistance vehicle after picking up band members and other related parties, roadie’s ass is walking home.
- Appearance is very important. All band vehicles must be washed and hand waxed prior to each show.
- Before and after the band performs, the roadie will guard the band’s equipment against damage or theft, unless the equipment is stored securely inside a locked room, in which case the roadie must stand guard outside the door.
- While the band is at the bar “preparing” for a show, it is the roadie’s responsibility to the be the eyes and ears for the band. The band will be informed immediately if any people on the bands schmoozing list walk in the door. Otherwise, the band is not to be disturbed during this important preparation time.
- Roadie will provide White Castle double cheeseburgers, steaming hot, and Cluck U nuclear wings, also steaming hot, within 15 minutes of said band member expressing a desire to partake in one of those treats. A cold malty beverage will be also provided with said treat.
- Roadie will also serve as the designated driver at all band functions. If a band member is too shitfaced to drive home, roadie will take the band member and his vehicle home. Roadie will provide a paper seatcover to use while driving the car. If other band members need a ride home, it is the roadie’s responsibility to get back to the venue. If it is a particularly bad night, the roadie will drive the band member to work the next day and/or take responsibility if the wife gets upset.
- Roadie will be responsible for answering band members’ cell phones on evenings when the fun gets out of hand, and providing acceptable excuses to said band members’ spouses.
- It is a common occurrence that a band event leaves one or more band members unable to function at work the following day. In such an event, the roadie will be required to fill in at the job. The following technical skills will be required: MVS, SQL, COBOL, CICS, MS Access, Java, Oracle, BEA WebLogic, software design and architecture, Microsoft Project, Solaris, Linux and most other UNIX variations, Windows 2000 service pack 1, Visio, Word, Excel, FTP, and basic customer interaction skills. Presentations are often required for large audiences of CIOs and other high-level executives, so roadie should be familiar with PowerPoint and be able to work a projector.